Back to Normal
by upriserseven
Summary: Her friend was allowed to kiss, or be kissed by, whomever she wished. - Post Great Firewall. Kalinda tells Alicia about the kiss.


**Author's Note:** so I wrote this immediately post "Great Firewall" in March 2011, and apparently forgot to upload it at the time. So here goes.

* * *

Logically, she could see no excuse for jealousy. Her friend was allowed to kiss, or be kissed by, whomever she wished. Logic didn't stop the small burst of pain she felt when the words left Kalinda's lips.

"Cary? Cary Argos?"

"Yes. Do we have another mutual Cary?"

"You kissed Cary?"

"He kissed me. But yes." She could feel the dark brown eyes burning her skin, yet she couldn't find the words to break the silence. "Gee, you complain I don't share and then -"

"I'm just surprised. Give me a moment."

"Your shock over a kiss is a good indication that I shouldn't share any of my _real_ secrets with you." She caught Kalinda's half smirk and shot her what she hoped was an apologetic smile.

"No. Look I just," Alicia sighed, admittedly taken aback by her own reaction to all of this, "I just never expected you and him. I knew you'd eventually tell me there was someone just... not him."

"Why not?" Their eyes locked for a moment, and Alicia shrugged as she turned away. "Anyway, it's not like we're getting married or something. We just kissed. It was weird and I figured normal people speak to their friends about this and so..."

"We're friends." It was neither a statement nor a question, and it seemed to surprise Kalinda.

"Aren't we?" Alicia couldn't place the unfamiliar emotion in her voice, so she smiled at her softly.

"Of course we are. You think I share the things you know with just anybody? I guess I just thought I might have different ideas to you."

"Just because I generally choose not to share things with you, it doesn't mean I don't see you as a friend, Alicia."

"Weird how?" She asked the question mostly to move the subject away from herself, but she regretted it almost instantly.

"It confused me, that's all". Feeling Alicia's stare on her, she reluctantly expanded, "I'm afraid I've been leading him on. We've been friends, and it's been working and now... now I'm just wondering if it was real or if it was all just a stepping stone to this?"

"Did you want him to kiss you? I mean, did you enjoy the kiss?" There is was again, that illogical burst of envy and pain. The thought of him kissing her, of his hands and his mouth on her, on her skin and her lips made Alicia feel physically sick as she pushed back the burning in her eyes and throat.

"I wasn't expecting it and," she paused, desperately hoping that the words would just come to her, "I didn't necessarily want this, but I can't say I was entirely against the idea."

"Did you enjoy the kiss?"

"Does that matter?" She asked the question despite knowing the answer. Of course it mattered. She can't claim to be confused without stating whether or not she enjoyed the kiss. She would've asked the same question. She did ask the question, after Alicia's kiss with Will. Although she definitely had an ulterior motive.

"Yes and no." She spoke just as Alicia opened her mouth to explain the importance of this answer. "As a kiss, it was good enough. But it didn't make me _feel_ anything"

"You mean?"  
"Yeah. And also just... generally. I don't have any feelings for Cary."

"Then what's the confusion?" Kalinda inwardly rolled her eyes. It constantly amazed her how Alicia still skipped over the grey areas. The past few years would surely be enough to shake anybody out of black and white.

"He's an easy way to get over feelings I do have." Fuck. Why had she said that? Kalinda Sharma does not blurt out things like that. Kalinda Sharma does not blurt.

"And what feelings are those?" She smirked as she said it, and Kalinda regretted that friend comment. Any other conversation, Alicia wouldn't have asked, and if she had, Kalinda wouldn't have answered. She couldn't do that now. She couldn't open up and close off like that.

"Irrelevant ones."

"Obviously not, seeing as you felt the need to mention them." She paused and took a deep breath, "you have feelings for somebody?"

"It's nothing, Alicia. Drop it?" She waited a beat, deliberating the next word. "Please?"

Kalinda's vulnerability caught her off guard and she spoke her next words quietly,

"All I know is that if you have feelings for somebody, you can't play with Cary to get over them. Address them head on or don't, but don't bring him into it if he cares for you." She smiled as she added, "let him down gently, even if he is kind of a douchebag."

"Did you just say douchebag?"

"I think I did. Let's never mention that again."

"So, once I've gently let down the _douchebag_" she laughed as she emphasised the last word, "how so I address them? These feelings?" She didn't know whether to laugh or cry at her own ridiculousness. Not only was it incredibly inappropriate for her to be asking Alicia, she knew that the woman beside her had no idea how to confront feelings. Multiple conversations over the past year had taught her that.

"You're asking me?"

"You're not sure if you want to, so you haven't" _lie _"I need to, even though I'll get hurt, so how?"

"How will you get hurt?" The light bulb seemed to appear as soon as the words left her lips, "ah. Unrequited?" Alicia hated herself for the relief that washed over her. Even if Kalinda was in love with somebody, she wouldn't have to deal with everything stirred up by her dating somebody else. She really wanted to deal with whatever she felt for Kalinda before dealt with her feelings for whomever. She turned to look at the window, intently following a raindrop's journey as she mumbled something about unrequited love being "tricky". She was pulled away from the little raindrop that could by an explosion of laughter to her left. She whipped her head around, to see Kalinda with one hand over her mouth, trying to calm herself.

"What?"

"Nothing." She cleared her throat and straightened herself out before quietly repeating "nothing". She sighed heavily, and Alicia was surprised by the sudden contrast. "I shouldn't be asking you for help on this, it's ridiculous."

"Wh-why is it so ridiculous to be asking me?" Hearing the hurt in her friend's voice, she turned and looked at her, before raising her eyebrows and using one hand to gesture awkwardly towards her. The whole time, her mind pleading, 'please understand, Alicia. Please don't make me say this out loud.'

"Oh!"

"Yeah... Oh."


End file.
